Day One n a half

 Lately I'm just having anxiety I guess.. secretly. Even today. My tummy calming I guess.

It's a bad gamble. Haha

I'm just tired of playing games. I'm tired of being extorted mentally. Like I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe everything.

I remembered back when I tried to move on from Najmy. It's hard. Like he did nothing wrong other than hooking up with the wrong person. He's looking for a rebound. Tiba ja tuduh. But he keeps searching for Nadya in me. And I build up insecurities inside. While I'm so lonely from my self ostracize. I feel bad for him sometimes.

Like I shouldn't have agreed when he wanted to break and be apart. I was selfish?

I wonder but I'm growing emotionally dependent on him.. so no matter how much I told myself I didn't wrong. I did wrong. And he did wrong for underestimated him. I guess I probably let him go if I knew. He didn't love me anymore and someone else is occupying his heart. He's over Nadya.. and over me. 

I might be childish when I didn't take his call. But my self control is working hard not to embarrass myself. I might beg him to take me back. But after. It won't be the same. I didn't trust him anymore. I couldn't ever respect him like I did before. 

I need a partner I can respect.

I tried but getting ghosted by Zul probably made me sceptical you see. Like why are you playing with someone's heart. He gets back with his ex n ghosted me. But I didn't like him that much. But Najmy.. It took years.. is it months of crazy behaviour. Until I met these two part timer.

Damn so cute. I think I remember my thoughts commenting. But he's become someone.. I don't know anymore. Maybe I shouldn't talk about Tuan.. moving on from him taken a lot of time. But he's with me and the part where I know he's never going to be with me forever was embedded deeply.

I made a bad move in moving on my feeling by imprinting on Zaini. He's just.. he hurt me in a way no one ever did.

While I experienced betrayal with Tuan. Zaini is more than that.. my head was full with self hating & self loathing. why did I gave him a chance..  why did I do that..

It led me to Qisti.. at this moment I failed a lot of relationships... It hurts that I couldn't see myself truly happy. That I'm gonna always feel like somebody gonna hurt me.

While Tuan and Zaini hovering around me like bad aftertaste. I'm tired of dealing with them. I really don't want to burden Q with my baggage.. I love and care for him.